Going Corporate on your Arse Pvt. Ltd. - Welcome Speech

Hi! I’m Mr. The Buttholewhopaysyoursalary. I would like to welcome you to the most exciting work place in the history of corporate cultures across the globe. As our company name suggests, which you may look up on our website because I just cannot seem to remember it at this point, we are in a business that we have no business being in. Mr. Whatshisface, The Director of this company has given me the responsibility of being the CEO and running the show here. You’ll see his picture hanging at the grand reception of our office building; the one in the pretty large silver frame imported from Sheffield, UK.

As the Buttholewhopaysyoursalary, I will ensure that from this day forward you are my slave and will do as you’re told, work overtime and not get paid for it, on weekends too, and you will have no personal life whatsoever. To make sure that you don’t run for your life, we made sure that we got all your contact details i.e., current and permanent residence addresses & phone numbers, emergency contact information and, personal and professional references and their contact details. We also have your bank account numbers and PAN numbers, just in case you decide to commit fraud.

As part of our mission statement, we aim to prepare each one of our employees for the rapid changes and advanced brutalities that are in store for you in the profession that you have chosen for yourself. It is our mission to produce creative thinkers who can put their strong leadership skills to good use as the global corporate culture reaches its next stage of evolution. With our top of the line training processes and employee anal program, we seek to enable our trainees and employees to attain life-long defilement.

WOW! I finally did remember the name of our company! At “Going Corporate on your Arse Pvt. Ltd., we have a unique hiring system. We hire experienced professionals from the corporate sector on fat pay packages to train and develop our work force, and to ensure that the training methods remain dynamic and keep up with the evolving corporate scenario, we fire these experienced professionals and get new talent on board. This is an ongoing process to keep fresh talent flowing in.

Our existing employee base will assist you with real life examples of one of the most important techniques you will ever learn to further your career – Backstabbing! Please ensure that when you are served with a knife in your back, you return it to the stabber, for he/she may need it to backstab another prospect in the near future. You may also try exchanging roles and be the stabber, instead of being the stabbee. After all, taking initiative is something that will always lead you to a higher designation.

While you are working your way to being a frustrated corporate slave, please remember that at Going Corporate on your Arse Pvt. Ltd., we provide special facilities such as the gym, cafeteria, and torture rooms. In case you’re really desperate, you may go visit the company shrink on the 5th floor. Also, if you’re lucky enough to not be working on the weekends, we offer a corporate discount at all the not so happening clubs and pubs in the city, where you may go avail the happy hours and drown your sorrows over a trail of really shitty songs.

I am going to ensure you that your professional career is only going to go downhill from here. But please try and look at the bright side of things as this period is also going to be one where you will learn a lot, do a lot of work, and then let my management team and I take the credit for it.
The company’s Founder’s Day is celebrated on 1st April each year. All employees will be given equal opportunities to participate in the events planned for the same. Those with absolutely no shame may also grab the once in a lifetime opportunity to completely humiliate themselves by being a part of the corporate film which will be screened at the beginning of the event. Your entire year’s hard work and humiliation will be greatly appreciated in the awards ceremony at the end of the day. Please note that this is the only day of the year when Mr. Whatshisface will make an appearance.

If there are any questions in your mind at this point, I would urge you to keep them to yourself and maybe find a corner which you can crawl into and cry.

Welcome to hell!! 